I will do this by using each letter of the alphabet to describe one word to do with writing. I then expand upon this in an educational manner. It is particularly useful if you are a writer of the 'fictional' mode of expression.
Here we go. No need to thank me.
A. Application.
The actual sitting down and doing it-ness of the writing is a vital aspect OF the writing. You would be surprised at how much writing simply does not get done because the writer has completely failed to understand this necessary attitude of appliance. They are destined to spend the rest of their life, eating jaffa cakes, self-abusing, and watching the film Green Street, every other week on ITV2, until two in the morning, for the rest of their silly existence.
B. Bullshit
This is what you are allowed to write in any first draft. In subsequent versions, however, it is best to reduce the amount of this. There, hopefully, being less, incrementally, per the increase of draft. You will probably write better things if you're not watching poor quality films about football hooligans until the early hours, idiot.
This is what you are allowed to write in any first draft. In subsequent versions, however, it is best to reduce the amount of this. There, hopefully, being less, incrementally, per the increase of draft. You will probably write better things if you're not watching poor quality films about football hooligans until the early hours, idiot.
You'll need some of these if you’re doing or ‘writing’ a story. I usually find it best to just do some thinly disguised version of myself, only one that’s got a better face and who has really good stuff happening to me, I mean him, at the end. The average number of characters you'll need for a novel is seven.
One of the most important things about the writing is deciding ‘What’ to write. This also includes 'Which' direction to take a story in. You might, for a completely random example, have written 124 pages of indulgent, semi-autobiographical horse-shit and decided that you took the wrong path in the story and have basically just wasted months on something that clearly doesn’t work! That's what you get for not reading all the nicely priced helpful fucking manuals about writing, you lightweight!
E. Excuses.
Excuses are the bed rock of the writing career. You must always have these to hand in order to justify why you haven’t done any, to yourself. Most of mine are to do with food. And the film Green Street. There are several moments during the writing where I ‘need’ to have a cup of tea. Or a cake. Or sausage roll and two packets of Jaffa cakes. Bag of Wotsits, banana. Mini Cheddars. Excuses are an accepted practice in the art and craft of writing and are often MORE important than the writing itself. If you cannot come up with excuses you cannot be a writer. You just will never be good enough.
F. Fiction.
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| Somebody doing writing, to break up the text a bit. |
F. Fiction.
Always remember that fiction is what you’re writing. It means you can write literally anything and people will believe it. Ignore all that cobblers about writing ‘what you know'. Just make stuff (ie. Fiction) up. Nobody cares about your life, about you getting the train every morning and going to work at the chimney factory. Or writing a novel about a writer who's trying to write a novel and can't because he's anguished. Just write something about a robot who eats cheese. Or an 8-part novel about some cats who run their own shop. Wizard cats. Or vampire cats. And one of them's a football hooligan cat, as well. Which causes conflict.
G. Grammar.
The correct usage of. Not important. If it really is that bad, your publisher (yeah, right) will pay a far cleverer person to sort all this out for you. Thinking about this kind of thing, correct use of tenses and so on, is a drain on the creative heartbeat of writing.
The correct usage of. Not important. If it really is that bad, your publisher (yeah, right) will pay a far cleverer person to sort all this out for you. Thinking about this kind of thing, correct use of tenses and so on, is a drain on the creative heartbeat of writing.
H. Holes.
There will probably be some of these in your plot (see P). People expect these. It gives the book a talking point, which can only be a good thing.
There will probably be some of these in your plot (see P). People expect these. It gives the book a talking point, which can only be a good thing.
I. Ideas
Nobody has had an original idea since the days of the Greek writers, so don’t worry too much about that. If you haven’t got an ‘idea’, simply take the story from your favourite book and change character names, place names and some of the words. Again, nobody will notice and the reader probably expects a certain amount of ‘this kind of thing’.
Nobody has had an original idea since the days of the Greek writers, so don’t worry too much about that. If you haven’t got an ‘idea’, simply take the story from your favourite book and change character names, place names and some of the words. Again, nobody will notice and the reader probably expects a certain amount of ‘this kind of thing’.
J. Jokes
Put some of these in. Otherwise your writing is going to be fucking dull.
Put some of these in. Otherwise your writing is going to be fucking dull.
K. Kipling’s
Afternoon writing sessions are best with cake.
L. Lies.
Afternoon writing sessions are best with cake.
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| Some exceedingly good writing cake. |
L. Lies.
That’s what writing is. Lying.
M. Money.
I have done well just earning £38.17 from the BBC comedy department. Don't kid yourself that you're going to make a penny out of yours. Earning money from writing is for the chosen few, like Will Self, Dan Brown and Terrance Dicks.
N.Nap.
The kind of thinking that I do when I'm writing makes me sleepy and I need to have a lot of these. It isn't normal thinking and it makes me ill because I'm not that clever.
O.Other writers.
One of the biggest hindrances for the writer, are all the other bloody writers, and worrying about what they're getting up to. Thinking that they're better and more dedicated. For example:
The writers, who really cock it up for the rest of us idle creatives, quite content to fart any actual or nascent ability up the wall, are those vicious bastards with ENERGY.
Annoying sods, who get up at five a.m.for a two hour commute, work from 7 to 5 because they're some kind of la-di-da manager. Train back. Home at seven, dinner, probably got a couple of kids, so they have to help them build a pirate out of mecanno or sticklebricks or whatever unholy resources the young have these days.
And they still find time to write. Somehow, amidst their shattering routine, they produce words, they make them come out of their brains, into some coherent and entertaining shape, almost as though they know what they're doing. And then they get published and tell their story about how they would write on the bloody train, just to piss off all the lazy bastards, ie.my people.
P. Plot
Always get confused with this one. Basically, another word for story, isn’t it? Dunno.
Q. Quickly.
Write the first draft of anything really quickly. Aways better to have a first thing full of crappy bits than an empty manuscript full of nothing. I keep telling myself. You can put in all the good writing subsequently. Probably.
R. Resolve.
This is what you need if you are a writer. The ability to ignore all common sense and to just carry on writing your offensive and badly thought out drivel.
S. Story.
See Plot.
T.Talent.
Not necessary. I have practically none. All you need is force of will. If you tell people that you're a brilliant writer, they will, eventually, come to embrace this as fact and not gruesomely mendacious.
I have done well just earning £38.17 from the BBC comedy department. Don't kid yourself that you're going to make a penny out of yours. Earning money from writing is for the chosen few, like Will Self, Dan Brown and Terrance Dicks.
N.Nap.
The kind of thinking that I do when I'm writing makes me sleepy and I need to have a lot of these. It isn't normal thinking and it makes me ill because I'm not that clever.
O.Other writers.
One of the biggest hindrances for the writer, are all the other bloody writers, and worrying about what they're getting up to. Thinking that they're better and more dedicated. For example:
The writers, who really cock it up for the rest of us idle creatives, quite content to fart any actual or nascent ability up the wall, are those vicious bastards with ENERGY.
Annoying sods, who get up at five a.m.for a two hour commute, work from 7 to 5 because they're some kind of la-di-da manager. Train back. Home at seven, dinner, probably got a couple of kids, so they have to help them build a pirate out of mecanno or sticklebricks or whatever unholy resources the young have these days.
And they still find time to write. Somehow, amidst their shattering routine, they produce words, they make them come out of their brains, into some coherent and entertaining shape, almost as though they know what they're doing. And then they get published and tell their story about how they would write on the bloody train, just to piss off all the lazy bastards, ie.my people.
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| Look, this one's writing against a bloody tree! |
P. Plot
Always get confused with this one. Basically, another word for story, isn’t it? Dunno.
Q. Quickly.
Write the first draft of anything really quickly. Aways better to have a first thing full of crappy bits than an empty manuscript full of nothing. I keep telling myself. You can put in all the good writing subsequently. Probably.
R. Resolve.
This is what you need if you are a writer. The ability to ignore all common sense and to just carry on writing your offensive and badly thought out drivel.
S. Story.
See Plot.
T.Talent.
Not necessary. I have practically none. All you need is force of will. If you tell people that you're a brilliant writer, they will, eventually, come to embrace this as fact and not gruesomely mendacious.
U. Understand.
It's important that you understand what you are writing. Not all writers do. If, for example, you are pig shit thick, don't go using long words because you think that's what people want. You'll be found out and chastised. As, indeed, I was, for my entry in the 1997 Ezra Pound short story competition.
V. Visualise.
A useful technique, where you can literally visualise having written your book and have a copy of it in your hand. Use this to drive yourself on in times of writery crisis. Even though it, of course, is complete bollocks. I mean, really, what do you think is going to happen?
W. Writing.
Yes. This. Do this. Definitely. This is probably the best one. You probably only really need this one.
X. X-rated.
Most people don't seem to enjoy actually doing the sex, but they apparently do rather like reading about it. So if in doubt, put some filth in. Screwing, and that.
Y. Young Writers.
Bastards. Granta Young Writers lists. Just piss off.
Z. Young Writers.
I mean, what they fuck do they know about anything? Little shits. 'Ooh, I've written a novel based on when I went backpacking in Kurdistan and all the feelings I had from that and everything'. Nobody should even be allowed to write until they're 40. I mean, give me an award, just for having a go, against all judgement. Come on Granta, where's mine? Shitbags. The little bastards have probably never even heard of Green Street!
In conclusion:
Remember, writing is like picking away at a scab. Eventually, with the more bad bits that come off, there'll be something fresh underneath that people will want to look at.
Thank you for learning.